A local news station promises to tell us whether a local man has managed to assemble the world's heaviest rubber band ball. In other news, two mentally ill people have recently died in local police custody, local and statewide elections are rapidly approaching, and the wheels are falling off the world. More on the rubber band ball to follow.
Update to breaking news!
Steve Milton of Eugene, Oregon believes that his rubber band ball weighs at least 3300 lbs, breaking the current world record. Anchorman Jeff Gianola tells us it takes up half of a two-car garage! Kelly Day, anchorwoman, adds that Steve's not satisfied--he wants to add another 1000 lbs. (Whoa, Steve--that's crazy!) Wait, weatherman Jack makes an excellent point, where does he find rubber bands big enough to fit around that ball? Whoops, time to break for a commercial; time on the clock: 11:15 pm, PDT.